These humorist quotes will inspire you. Humorist is a humorous writer, performer, or artist.
A collection of motivating, happy, and encouraging humorist quotes, humorist sayings, and humorist proverbs.
Best Humorist Quotes
- “Normal is an illusion. What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly.” ~ Charles Addams
- “I’ve had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.” ~ Mark Twain
- “It’s a shallow life that doesn’t give a person a few scars.” ~ Garrison Keillor
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“You can’t reason with your heart; it has its own laws, and thumps about things which the intellect scorns.” ~ Mark Twain
- “Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.” ~ Terry Pratchett
- “You’ve got to be (an) optimist to be a Democrat, and you’ve got to be a humorist to stay one” ~ Will Rogers
- “That’s the difference between governments and individuals. Governments don’t care, individuals do.” ~ Mark Twain
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“Success in life has nothing to do with what you gain in life or accomplish for yourself. It’s what you do for others.” ~ Danny Thomas
- “Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.” ~ Mark Twain
- “Weekends don’t count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.” ~ Bill Watterson
- “The best things in life aren’t things.” ~ Art Buchwald
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“Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars’ worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.” ~ Henny Youngman
- “I have been born more times than anybody except Krishna.” ~ Mark Twain
- “Do not complain about growing old. It is a privilege denied to many.” ~ Mark Twain
- “The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself, but in so doing, he identifies himself with people – that is, people everywhere, not for the purpose of taking them apart, but simply revealing their true nature.” ~ James Thurber
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“The secret of getting ahead is getting started” ~ Mark Twain
- “Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” ~ Will Rogers
- “But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?” ~ Mark Twain
- “Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one’s lifetime.” ~ Mark Twain
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“Too many people spend money they haven’t earned to buy things they don’t want to impress people they don’t like.” ~ Will Rogers
- “Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.” ~ Andy Borowitz
- “Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.” ~ Mark Twain
- “The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.” ~ George Carlin
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“What happens after you die? Lot’s of things happen after you die – they just don’t involve you” ~ Louis C. K.
- “Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.” ~ Mark Twain
- “Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.” ~ Mark Twain
- “Whenever you correct someone’s grammar just remember that nobody likes you.” ~ Jim Gaffigan
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“People will kill you over time, and how they’ll kill you is with tiny, harmless phrases, like ‘be realistic.'” ~ Dylan Moran
- “Don’t watch the clock; do what it does. Keep going.” ~ Sam Levenson
- “He was a dreamer, a thinker, a speculative philosopher… or, as his wife would have it, an idiot.” ~ Douglas Adams
- “Avoid using the word ‘very’ because it’s lazy. A man is not very tired, he is exhausted. Don’t use very sad, use morose. Language was invented for one reason boys – to woo women – and in that endeavor, laziness will not do.” ~ Robin Williams
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“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.” ~ Mark Twain
- “Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.” ~ George Burns
- “It’s easy being a humorist when you’ve got the whole government working for you.” ~ Will Rogers
- “The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.” ~ Mark Twain
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“God created war so that Americans would learn geography.” ~ Mark Twain
- “God writes a lot of comedy… the trouble is, he’s stuck with so many bad actors who don’t know how to play funny.” ~ Garrison Keillor
- “It is often said that before you die your life passes before your eyes. It is in fact true. It’s called living.” ~ Terry Pratchett
- “Every man is a moon; he has a side no one sees.” ~ Mark Twain
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“Humor is an escape, because you cannot think about your problems when you are trying to be funny; so, in essence, “being a humorist” gives you a valid excuse to hide from your pain.” ~ Dave Barry
- “I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.” ~ Mark Twain
- “The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.” ~ Mark Twain
- “I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.” ~ Mitch Hedberg
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“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” ~ Mark Twain
- “The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.” ~ James Thurber
- “The easy confidence with which I know another man’s religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.” ~ Mark Twain
- “I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.” ~ Will Rogers
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“Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It’s literary suicide.” ~ Erma Bombeck
- “This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.” ~ Will Rogers
- “Every person you look at, you can see the universe in their eyes, if you’re really looking” ~ George Carlin
- “The satirist shoots to kill while the humorist brings his prey back alive and eventually releases him again for another chance.” ~ Peter De Vries
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“If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don’t have a regime.” ~ Jon Stewart
- “Nothing helps scenery like bacon and eggs.” ~ Mark Twain
- “The funniest things are the forbidden.” ~ Mark Twain
- “I prefer someone who burns the flag and then wraps themselves up in the Constitution over someone who burns the Constitution and then wraps themselves up in the flag.” ~ Molly Ivins
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“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.” ~ Mark Twain
- “The man who offers an insult writes it in sand, but for the man who receives it, it’s chiseled in bronze.” ~ Giovannino Guareschi
- “When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, ‘I used everything you gave me’.” ~ Erma Bombeck
- “God is a great humorist. He just has a slow audience to work with.” ~ Garrison Keillor
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“It is your human environment that makes climate” ~ Mark Twain
- “I have a religion-but you will call it blasphemy. It is that there is a God for the rich man but none for the poor…..Perhaps your religion will sustain you,will feed you-I place no dependence in mine. Our religions are alike, though, in one respect-neither can make a man happy when he is out of luck.” ~ Mark Twain
- “Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.” ~ Mark Twain
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“If you don’t count some of Jehovah’s injunctions, there are no humorists in the Bible.” ~ Mordecai Richler
- “Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before.” ~ Kurt Vonnegut
- “It is hard to get mad at Donald Trump for saying stupid things, in the same way you don’t get mad at a monkey when he throws poop at you at the zoo… What does get me angry is the ridiculous, disingenuous defending of the poop-throwing monkey.” ~ Jon Stewart
