Dane Jeffrey Cook is an American stand-up comedian and film actor. He has released five comedy albums: Harmful If Swallowed; Retaliation; Vicious Circle; Rough Around the Edges: Live from Madison Square Garden; and Isolated Incident. In 2006, Retaliation became the highest charting comedy album in 28 years and went platinum. These Dane Cook quotes are fun and inspiration in life.
Best Dane Cook Quotes
- “Here’s how you know that you’re really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.” ~ Dane Cook
- “Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.” ~ Dane Cook
- “When people refer to ‘Back in the Day,’ it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.” ~ Dane Cook
- “I don’t hate anyone. I simply block them out using hellish visions in a blind white rage. But if I see them out I’m pleasant.” ~ Dane Cook
- “When somebody says I wouldn’t change a thing they’re thinking of something they would change.” ~ Dane Cook
- “When you see somebody walking down the street wearing a Superman t-shirt, you just want to shoot them in the chest … when they start to bleed go, I guess not” ~ Dane Cook
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“I live my life like there’s no yesterday.” ~ Dane Cook
- “Valentine’s Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you’re single & lonely then it’s called Laundry Day.” ~ Dane Cook
- “You must accept responsibility for your actions. This doesn’t include reactions, interactions, or transactions if you’re thinkin’ loophole.” ~ Dane Cook
- “What am I supposed to say to an atheist when he sneezes, ah, when you die nothing happens.” ~ Dane Cook
- “Let’s talk a little about love. Sometimes you meet somebody and you have what is known as a relationship and things can go great. If things go great you have a great relationship. Sometimes it doesn’t go so great and I call that a relationship!” ~ Dane Cook
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“Some people have constipation of the brain but their mouth has the runs.” ~ Dane Cook
- “I had one job that was kind of cop-like. One summer I did security at a miniature golf course. Just standing out in the sun all day, Hey, hey, excuse me sir. Get your putter out of the whale’s ass. Come on, this is a place of miniature business. This is not a playground even though it looks like a playground.” ~ Dane Cook
- “I never leave a dog alone in a car on a hot day. I make sure it’s with an elderly person holding a baby.” ~ Dane Cook
- “A couple of days back, I got into a car accident. Not my fault. Even if it’s not your fault, the other person gets out of their car and looks at you like it’s your fault: Why did you stop at a red light and let me hit you doing 80!” ~ Dane Cook
- “It’s amazing how dumb people can impress you with how much stupider they can be when they really assert themselves.” ~ Dane Cook
- “You are the director of your own life story. Don’t cast idiots or people will walk out during your 2nd act.” ~ Dane Cook
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“I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people – how they act and such.” ~ Dane Cook
- “Video games don’t make people go nuts. I played Super Mario forever. Not once hopping on a turtle or smash my head through a brick ceiling.” ~ Dane Cook
- “When a guy says “I have no idea what you’re talking about” it means “I’m thinking of exactly what you’re saying I did while I lie to you.”” ~ Dane Cook
- “You can try to steal the thunder all you want, it just reminds people I’m the lightning. You rumble in the distance. I light up the sky.” ~ Dane Cook
- “Start each day out the holy way..with Christ Chex, it’s a miracle in a bowl. Just open the box and you hear AHHHHH….and then a lil’ angel flies out and says ‘good morning, life is beautiful!’.” ~ Dane Cook
- “Strip clubs are great places to meet interesting people you only wanna know for about 40 minutes.” ~ Dane Cook
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“When you’re not in love when you don’t have love, everybody you know falls in love.” ~ Dane Cook
- “I once overheard the sweetest old woman behind me on a train tell her adorable old husband as he scoffed down a ham sandwich she had brought along, “If you ever yell at me to “stop bringing a ham sandwich with me everywhere we go” again? Next time I’m bringing a gun. And I’m blowing your God damn head off.” ~ Dane Cook
- “It’s the worst feeling when you come home alone late at night and think the stranger sitting on your couch is a pile of clothes.” ~ Dane Cook
- “I have faith in all mankind. Well, not faith really, more like hopeful suspicion. And not “all” but 5 people. Mankind meaning computers.” ~ Dane Cook
- “I was very good at kickball … I was wonderful at ah doing that kick and your leg goes up and your shoe went on top of the school” ~ Dane Cook
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“My grandmother died of natural causes. Or as my family calls it murdered by the lord.” ~ Dane Cook
- “I’m in a new club, by the way. And I don’t know if you’re first-timers like I am, but I’m in the ‘I Just Dropped My Cell Phone In My Own Piss’ Club. Have you done that? Yeah, good times. I’m on the phone and I forget that I’m using shoulder technique. Urinals were taken so I went in to use the regular john. And as I’m standing there, mid-conversation, I’m like ‘Are you serious?’ and it just started to toboggan right down my powerful chest.” ~ Dane Cook
- “I’m interested in doing anything and everything that I can to squeeze the creativity out of my brain. I guess I’m kind of a performance rat, that’s what I want to do, I love being on stage if I’m not on a set. I just love putting creativity into a performance.” ~ Dane Cook
- “Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.” ~ Dane Cook
- “Sometimes, when you want to make a difference in a person’s life, stay out of it.” ~ Dane Cook
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“Sometimes the only solution is figuring out a bigger problem to focus on.” ~ Dane Cook
- “In the year 3000, everything will be instant.” ~ Dane Cook
- “I love singing along to the radio while I’m riding in the back of a squad car.” ~ Dane Cook
- “If you’re 1 of the 3 girls in pics with a greaseball whose arms are around you at a club you lose at life. If you’re the greaseball you win.” ~ Dane Cook
- “Then it was snack time, right in the middle of mass. Right out of nowhere, the priest would look down and say, ‘Let’s have some yum yums!’ You would get in line – you would jump in the line – and you would go up and get the crouton O’Christ.” ~ Dane Cook
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“I found someone’s passport on the ground tonight. Where do you sell these things?” ~ Dane Cook
- “How do you fall into a lion’s den, that is my first question there, you think you would be extra careful around a den of lions.” ~ Dane Cook
- “It was peace. Peace is when you would shake the hands of the people around you. And you knew peace was coming because the priest would say it five times rapid-fire. He’d go, “My peace I leave, my peace I give to you. While we ate Reese’s Pieces with the Lord. And I have a piece of lint in my peaceful eye”!” ~ Dane Cook
- “I can’t relate to the idea of suicide. I guess I’m just one of those people that is always optimistic and upbeat. But one day, I sat down. I said ‘You know what? Just to kind of purge myself, I want to see what its like to feel that low‘. So I decided to write a suicide note. Yeah, just to kinda flush it out there and put it on a page. And I started to do this, and I had an epiphany. I’ll share this with you: a suicide note that is written by somebody that is not suicidal is called an autobiography. I am on Chapter 58.” ~ Dane Cook
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“I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it’s so much harder to detect when it’s around you all day.” ~ Dane Cook
- “We never had a pool, right. So one summer, I remember. My dad, to make me happy. You know I was bummed out cause we didn’t have the pool. So one summer he bought us this thing. It was yellow, you laid it on the lawn, sprayed it with the water, run across. Slip n’ Slide. Yeah. Would have been fun if dad checked for rocks before he laid it down! Slip n’ Bleed from the anus they should have called this ride.” ~ Dane Cook
- “I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.” ~ Dane Cook Quotes
- “The little boy inside of all us men always loves something video game-related.” ~ Dane Cook
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“I like fearless characters, people just not afraid to do anything it takes to make people laugh.” ~ Dane Cook
- “We all hope for breakthrough rebirth moments. When you’re headed for a breakthrough moment, it’s kind of scary because you say, ‘If I breakthrough then I have to make a great change in my life.'” ~ Dane Cook
- “My nickname for my mom was ‘The Compass.'” ~ Dane Cook
- “I don’t know if I could kill someone with a frozen turkey because that is a lot of evidence to eat …. unless I found a whole room of people who also wanted that person dead.” ~ Dane Cook
- “I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don’t think I’m funny.” ~ Dane Cook
- “I’ve been ignoring my feelings lately. That works pretty well. Might also settle for less this week, just to try it out.” ~ Dane Cook
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“I don’t like littering and I think it leads to terrorist activities.” ~ Dane Cook
- “If you have to be at work at 8, it’s always like, 7:54. Just enough time to do nothing. To just lay there and go, “I can’t do anything! I can’t even have an English muffin!” ~ Dane Cook
- “Comedy crowds – we always want to come out and ask you, ‘How you feeling?’ We always say that, ‘By a round of applause, how do you feel?’ Right? ‘By a round of applause, how you feeling?’ It’s the only place in the world that you judge how you’re feeling by a round of applause… There’s never like a car accident, people all over the ground, people running over – ‘Ma’am! Ma’am! By a round of applause, how do you feel? By a round of applause – she’s not clapping!” ~ Dane Cook
- “I was not a silly kid or outgoing. In fact, I suffered from quite a bit of anxiety. I used to have panic attacks when I was a teenager, really incapacitating moments because I had some
phobias.” ~ Dane Cook -
“It’s an incredible feeling falling in love someone who doesn’t know you exist.” ~ Dane Cook
- “Created a word game to play with a person you’re fighting with. Silent Treatment. Nothing happens until one of you quietly says, Hey, you hungry?” ~ Dane Cook
- “I think beating someone to death with a ukulele would just sound funny.” ~ Dane Cook Quotes
- “I have never even had a sip of alcohol, never have done drugs. The hardest thing I have ever done would be Pepsi.” ~ Dane Cook
- “I’m a late-night guy.” ~ Dane Cook
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“I don’t laugh out loud at comics a lot.” ~ Dane Cook
- “I’m watching some television tonight. I’m watching The Discovery Channel. You know, this channel, you never ever plan on watching this. It just happens. You’re flickin’ around, all of a sudden – boom – you’re watching a mole for an hour-and-a-half.” ~ Dane Cook
- “Listening to Evanescence makes me want to break up with a girl in real-time as a giant antique hourglass falls to the floor in slow motion.” ~ Dane Cook
- “Some girls look beautiful with no makeup on at all. I call them lazy. Now go throw some war paint on you bleak empty canvas you.” ~ Dane Cook
