William Maher is an American comedian, actor, political commentator, and television host. He is known for the HBO political talk show Real Time with Bill Maher (2003–present) and the similar late-night show called Politically Incorrect (1993–2002), originally on Comedy Central and later on ABC. These Bill Maher quotes will motivate you.
Best Bill Maher Quotes
- “If you have a gun, you can rob a bank, but if you have a bank, you can rob everyone.” ~ Bill Maher
- “As you go down the path of life, ask what’s true. Not who else believes it.” ~ Bill Maher
- “The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he’s the only one in the world who treats me like I’m the Beatles.” ~ Bill Maher
- “I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally.” ~ Bill Maher
- “Freedom isn’t free. It shouldn’t be a bragging point that ‘Oh, I don’t get involved in politics,’ as if that makes someone cleaner. No, that makes you derelict of duty in a republic. Liars and panderers in government would have a much harder time of it if so many people didn’t insist on their right to remain ignorant and blindly agreeable.” ~ Bill Maher
- “To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click ‘I Agree’.” ~ Bill Maher
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“In this country your guilty until proven wealthy.” ~ Bill Maher
- “When I hear from people that religion doesn’t hurt anything, I say really? Well besides wars, the crusades, the inquisitions, 9-11, ethnic cleansing, the suppression of women, the suppression of homosexuals, fatwas, honor killings, suicide bombings, arranged marriages to minors, human sacrifice, burning witches, and systematic sex with children, I have a few little quibbles. And I forgot blowing up girl schools in Afghanistan.” ~ Bill Maher
- “The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.” ~ Bill Maher
- “New Rule: Gay marriage won’t lead to dog marriage. It is not a slippery slope to rampant inter-species coupling. When women got the right to vote, it didn’t lead to hamsters voting. No court has extended the equal protection clause to salmon. And for the record, all marriages are “same-sex” marriages. You get married, and every night, it’s the same sex.” ~ Bill Maher
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“Don’t get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance.” ~ Bill Maher
- “There is a big difference between a disappointing friend and a deadly enemy. Of course, the Democrats are disappointing. That’s what makes them Democrats. If they were any more frustrating they’d be your relatives. But in this country, they are all that stands between you and darkest night. You know why their symbol is the letter ‘D’? Because it’s a grade that means good enough, but just barely. You know why the Republican symbol is ‘R’? Because it’s the noise a pirate makes when he robs you and feeds you to a shark.” ~ Bill Maher Quotes
- “Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for – looking up exes to see how fat they got?” ~ Bill Maher
- “New rule: If churches don’t have to pay taxes, they also can’t call the fire department when they catch fire. Sorry reverend, that’s one of those services that goes along with paying in. I’ll use the fire department I pay for. You can pray for rain.” ~ Bill Maher
- “The answer isn’t another pill. The answer is spinach.” ~ Bill Maher
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“To a coward, courage always looks like stupidity.” ~ Bill Maher
- “We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.” ~ Bill Maher
- “If you believe Jesus ever had a good word for war or torture or tax cuts for the rich, or raping the earth, or refusing water to dying migrants, then you might as well believe bunnies lay painted eggs.” ~ Bill Maher
- “The plain fact is religion must die for mankind to live. The hour is getting very late to be able to indulge in having key deciscions made by religious people. By irrationalists. By those who would steer the ship of state, not by a compass, but by the equivalent of reading the entrails of a chicken.” ~ Bill Maher, Bill Maher quotes on religious
- “It’s not getting any better for the American people. It seems to be getting worse. That’s predictable; education is a cycle. Stupidity breeds more stupidity.” ~ Bill Maher
- “Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.” ~ Bill Maher
- “Religion, it stops people from thinking because they think all the answers are in that one book; it impedes progress; it justifies crazy people. Flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative.” ~ Bill Maher
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“I don’t know anyone less Jesus like than Christians.” ~ Bill Maher
- “Over the last 30 odd years, Democrats have moved to the right and the right has moved into the mental hospital. So what we have is one perfectly good party for hedge fund managers, credit card companies, banks, defense contractors, big agriculture and the pharmaceutical lobby… That’s the Democrats. And they sit across the aisle from a small group of religious lunatics, flat-earthers and civil war re-enactors who mostly communicate by AM radio and call themselves the Republicans and who actually worry that Obama is a socialist. Socialist? He’s not even a liberal.” ~ Bill Maher Quotes
- “At some point in the last 20 years, the left moved to the center, and the right moved into a mental institution.” ~ Bill Maher
- “In Europe, Socialism is just another political party. It just means that government takes over certain things like hospitals, prisons, military and schools that should not be run for profit.” ~ Bill Maher
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“Curious people are interesting people, I wonder why that is.” ~ Bill Maher
- “When opportunity knocks all some people can do is complain about the noise.” ~ Bill Maher
- “If conservatives get to call universal healthcare ‘socialized medicine,’ I get to call private, for-profit healthcare ‘soulless, vampire bastards making money off human pain.'” ~ Bill Maher
- “The Founding Fathers were more deists. If you had to categorize them as anything. There was some sort of moving prime force. But it’s an impersonal force. Some people call it Nature. Certainly not this personal god who you have a personal relationship with, who listens to your prayers and answers them, or doesn’t. You know, not the silly stuff that most Americans believe because we’re such a dumb nation.” ~ Bill Maher
- “The true axis of evil in America is the brilliance of our marketing combined with the stupidity of our people.” ~ Bill Maher
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“It’s very hard not to be condescending when you’re explaining something to an idiot.” ~ Bill Maher
- “Here’s the thing about Donald Trump: He never apologizes. He’s never wrong, no matter what crazy thing he says. He’s totally – he’s the white Kanye.” ~ Bill Maher
- “Stop saying athletes do it for the love of the game. They do it for the love of their 32-room mansion with the live shark tank in the living room. If pro sports paid minimum wage, Shaquille O’Neal would be a bouncer at Scores, and Anna Kournikova would be a mail-order bride from Minsk.” ~ Bill Maher
- “If you think you have it tough, read history books.” ~ Bill Maher
- “Our mistakes from the past are just that: mistakes. And they were necessary to make in order to become the wiser person we became.” ~ Bill Maher
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“I feel like I’m wearing orthopedic shoes because I stand corrected.” ~ Bill Maher
- “We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It’s overrun with sheep and conformists.” ~ Bill Maher
- “Halloween is a day when we all get to fool people into thinking we’re someone else. Or as Mitt Romney calls it, campaigning.” ~ Bill Maher
- “Denying racism is the new racism.” ~ Bill Maher
- “Trusting the government to monitor your calls without listening. It’s kind of like trusting Chris Christie to pick up the McDonald’s and not eat the fries on the way home.” ~ Bill Maher
- “You can always tell when Obama’s negotiations with the Republicans are winding down, because he’s missing his watch and his lunch money.” ~ Bill Maher
- “The difference between a GOP convention and Comic-Con is that the people at Comic-Con have a much firmer grasp of reality.” ~ Bill Maher
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“Have you ever met a war you didn’t love? I’m asking, is there any place you don’t want to intervene in?” ~ Bill Maher
- “If anti-gay stuff is always coming out of your mouth, something very gay is probably going in.” ~ Bill Maher
- “I don’t say that I’m an atheist. I don’t like that term, because I think it mirrors the certitude of religion. I say I don’t know. And if you don’t know – and you don’t – just man up and say you don’t know. Don’t turn to silly stories and ancient myths.” ~ Bill Maher, Bill Maher quotes on religion
- “I’ll show you Obama’s birth certificate when you show me Sarah Palin’s high school diploma.” ~ Bill Maher
- “Ronald Reagan basically legalized every illegal immigrant in this country. I just like to bring this up because every week I like to make Republican heads explode about how they love Ronald Reagan, but would despise everything he did.” ~ Bill Maher
- “God knows life sucks. It’s right there in the Bible. The book of Job is all about Job asking God to take away pain and misery. And God says, “I can’t take away pain and misery because then no one would talk to me.”” ~ Bill Maher
- “I think the right-wingers have to buddy up to the fact that either the minimum wage has to go up, and people get enough money to live, or you’re always going to have people needing government assistance. You can’t have it both ways.” ~ Bill Maher
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“Faith means the purposeful suspension of critical thinking. It’s nothing to be admired.” ~ Bill Maher
- “The difference between the three Abrahamic religions: Christianity – mumbling to the ceiling, Judaism – mumbling to the wall, Islam – mumbling to the floor.” ~ Bill Maher
- “Trying to get today’s Republicans to accept basic facts is like trying to get your dog to take a pill. You have to feed them the truth wrapped in a piece of baloney, hold their snouts shut and stroke their throats. and even then, just when you think they’ve swallowed it, they spit it out on the linoleum.” ~ Bill Maher
- “What I believe in is love your neighbor as yourself and don’t call him stupid because they don’t agree with you politically.” ~ Bill Maher
- “New Rule: Food companies must face the facts: One container equals one serving. Look, we’re Americans, and that means once we open the bag, there’s no stopping us until we’re licking stray bits of powdered cheese off the carpet. So stop trying to give us nutritional information based on a fraction of the package. It assumes a talent for two things that we’re really not capable of: restraint and math.” ~ Bill Maher
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“If you want to get rich with a tax-free enterprise that sells nothing, start a church.” ~ Bill Maher
- “Sam Harris made that great analogy. He said, ‘If someone was talking into their hairdryer and claiming that they were speaking to God, they would call Bellevue. But, take away the hairdryer, it’s just praying.'” ~ Bill Maher
- “The plain fact is: religion must die for mankind to live.” ~ Bill Maher
- “Is it [hunting] really a sport if you have all the equipment and your opponent doesn’t know a game is going on?” ~ Bill Maher
- “In ten Muslim countries, you can get the death penalty just for being gay. If they were chopping the heads off of gay people in the Vatican, wouldn’t there be a greater outcry among liberals?” ~ Bill Maher
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“March Madness…the only place where you hear ‘Kansas is advancing.'” ~ Bill Maher
- “The younger generation is supposed to rage against the machine, not for it. They’re supposed to question authority, not question those who question authority.” ~ Bill Maher
- “New Rule: News organizations have to stop using the phrase: “We go beyond the headlines.” That’s your job, dummy. You don’t see American Airlines saying, “We land our jets on the runway”!” ~ Bill Maher
- “When it comes to religion, we’re not two sides of the same coin, and you don’t get to put your unreason up on the same shelf with my reason. Your stuff has to go over there, on the shelf with Zeus and Thor and the Kraken, with the stuff that is not evidence-based, stuff that religious people never change their mind about, no matter what happens.” ~ Bill Maher
