Chelsea Joy Handler is an American comedienne, actress, writer, television host, producer, and activist. She hosted the late-night talk show, Chelsea, Lately on the E! network from 2007 to 2015 and released a documentary series, Chelsea Does, on Netflix in January 2016. Between 2016 and 2017, Handler hosted the talk show, Chelsea, on Netflix. These Chelsea Handler quotes will motivate you.
Best Chelsea Handler Quotes
- “A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can’t live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don’t even have to be topless. L’chaim.” ~ Chelsea Handler
- “My mother told me that life isn’t always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.” ~ Chelsea Handler
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“I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.” ~ Chelsea Handler
- “I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.” ~ Chelsea Handler
- “If someone took the ‘F’ letter off me, I’d be ucked.” ~ Chelsea Handler
- “Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.” ~ Chelsea Handler
- “There are two kinds of people I don’t trust: people who don’t drink and people who collect stickers.” ~ Chelsea Handler
- “I don’t like the word ‘alcoholic’. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.” ~ Chelsea Handler
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“I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.” ~ Chelsea Handler
- “I have been on a life-long search of how to stay in shape without putting any effort into it whatsoever.” ~ Chelsea Handler
- “We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it’s Tuesday I’ll make an exception.” ~ Chelsea Handler
- “Most republicans are against contraception because they don’t care about it. You can’t get pregnant anally anyway.” ~ Chelsea Handler
- “I’m very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.” ~ Chelsea Handler
- “You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU” ~ Chelsea Handler
- “Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a king-sized bed to the other with a nurse’s hat on while your father, who is also naked, is chasing her with a bandanna around his neck, is reason to put yourself up for adoption.” ~ Chelsea Handler
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“That’s what my perfume would smell like, margarita and vodka.” ~ Chelsea Handler
- “I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I’d have no friends.” ~ Chelsea Handler
- “As you get older, then you finally come back around full circle when you don’t give a s – anymore and you decide I’m going to just tell the truth to everybody. I don’t give a s – if anybody likes me.” ~ Chelsea Handler
- “It’s been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If someone is truly a loyal friend, then they wouldn’t need to broadcast it; eventually, people will figure it out. I have a lot of good friends and not one of them has ever introduced themselves by saying, ‘I’m a very good friend.'” ~ Chelsea Handler
- “Then a homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out. This happens to be something that I have a real problem with: homeless people with pets who approach you for food when they have a perfectly delicious dog standing right there?” ~ Chelsea Handler
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“If you can’t trust your coke dealer, who can you trust?” ~ Chelsea Handler
- “First of all, who cares if people hate you? There’s always a guarantee that certain people will dislike you. There’s never any guarantee that anyone will like you. So if anyone likes you at all, you’ve already won.” ~ Chelsea Handler
- “Have you ever experienced a pain so sharp in your heart that it’s all you can do to take a breath? It’s a pain you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy; you wouldn’t want to pass it on to anyone else for fear he or she might not be able to bear it. It’s the pain of being betrayed by a person with whom you’ve fallen in love. It’s not as serious as death, but it feels a whole lot like it, and as I’ve come to learn, pain is pain any way you slice it.” ~ Chelsea Handler
- “If you do talk dirty, make sure that you enunciate because there’s nothing more embarrassing than having to repeat yourself.” ~ Chelsea Handler
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“You should always speak your mind, and be bold, and be obnoxious, and do whatever you want and don’t let anybody tell you to stop it.” ~ Chelsea Handler
- “I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second… or the fifth. I’ll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order.” ~ Chelsea Handler
- “Why would you go out and not drink? Just stay home and sit there.” ~ Chelsea Handler
- “I’ll tell you what can make bacon better… nothing.” ~ Chelsea Handler
- “My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.” ~ Chelsea Handler
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“The only thing worse than dating a single mom is dating a single mom that won’t put out.” ~ Chelsea Handler
- “In a statement to the Associated Press earlier in the year, Jamie Lynn said she didn’t have a boyfriend. She said, ‘I’m keeping my options open.’ And by options, she meant legs.” ~ Chelsea Handler
- “My feeling is, if a dog is that hard up to break free, let it go. It’s like a boyfriend who wants to break up. We all know the old adage “If you set someone free, and he never comes back, then he was never yours.” I understand the main fear with setting dogs loose is they could get hit by a car, but so could an ex boyfriend. That’s just a chance you have to take.” ~ Chelsea Handler
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“We women have to stick together.” ~ Chelsea Handler
- “My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.” ~ Chelsea Handler
- “I met my first midget in Mexico, and he was a waiter with a sombrero on his head, filled with chips and salsa. Like I was gonna let that guy get away – I don’t think so.” ~ Chelsea Handler
- “David Hasselhoff was hospitalized after falling off the wagon again. He probably got used to drinking too much, because for years he never had to worry about driving anywhere – his car drove itself.” ~ Chelsea Handler
- “I will probably have sex with Eminem after the show is over. Probably, I dont see why I wouldnt. Im fair game, its not like Im that picky, youve seen the guys Ive dated. I like Swizz Beatz, just because I would like to yell out in bed, Swizz Beatz! Keep it coming!” ~ Chelsea Handler
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“I had sex with a couple guys but it wasn’t a baseball team. I saved that for my twenties.” ~ Chelsea Handler
- “At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall ALL the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer.” ~ Chelsea Handler
- “I understand that if you’re a kid in Indonesia, you need to smoke because you just got off work at the Nike factory.” ~ Chelsea Handler
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“How do you think jail was?! I got face raped by a woman… and I think I may have liked it.” ~ Chelsea Handler
- “Tara Reid is charging $3,500 for a personal appearance fee. So, for only $3,500 you can either buy a 1998 Jetta with 130,000 miles on it… or Tara Reid, who only has 98,000 miles on her.” ~ Chelsea Handler
- “I’m not graceful either. I have no rhythm, I’m never on top.” ~ Chelsea Handler
- “There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.” ~ Chelsea Handler
- “Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon just got themselves a marriage license. I think before she gets married again Pam needs to slow down and think about whether this is really the man she wants to spend three or four months of her life with.” ~ Chelsea Handler
- “Are you there vodka? It’s me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I’ll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.” ~ Chelsea Handler
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“When you see the veins popping out of my neck, that’s an exclamation point.” ~ Chelsea Handler
- “The last time a straight man worked in the fashion industry, we got a fanny pack.” ~ Chelsea Handler
- “Don’t take ‘no’ for an answer. Keep knocking down walls until someone says ‘yes.'” ~ Chelsea Handler
- “People tend to call me names that I can’t repeat on basic cable. I will give you a hint. They rhyme with itch, hunt, & bore.” ~ Chelsea Handler
- “A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the Bahamas in July. What happened to the good old days when a guy would just saw you in half?” ~ Chelsea Handler
- “I wasn’t like ‘Oh, I’m going to marry 50 Cent…’ I mean, seriously. But I did like him. He’s very sweet and antithetical to what you’d think of him.” ~ Chelsea Handler
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“Or people who have one baby and go buy a minivan… how big is your baby?” ~ Chelsea Handler
- “Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.” ~ Chelsea Handler
- “According to the New York Post, Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen are dating. They must be getting serious – Lance gave Ashley his yellow Live Strong bracelet. She wears it as a belt.” ~ Chelsea Handler
- “I don’t appreciate people who celebrate their dog’s birthdays with “dog parties,” and then invite their friends who don’t even have dogs. I understand why people like dogs, and I think they definitely bring more to the table than cats or those godforsaken ferrets, but I don’t think it’s healthy for people to treat their dogs like they are real people.” ~ Chelsea Handler
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“I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn’t experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak.” ~ Chelsea Handler
- “Christina Aguilera finally announced her pregnancy. Thanks for waiting until your third trimester to get the word out—why not just wait until you’re crowning?” ~ Chelsea Handler
- “If diamonds are a girl’s best friend, I wonder if blood diamonds are a girl’s best friend 5 days out of the month?” ~ Chelsea Handler
- “He laid into me with the same gusto as a right-wing political pundit on the O’Reilly Factor defending President’s Bush right to vacation six days out of the week.” ~ Chelsea Handler
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“Paris Hilton is going on a goodwill mission to Rwanda. It’s the first time an entire Third World country will have to get immunizations for a visitor.” ~ Chelsea Handler
- “You want to do something a little bit meaningful, because we’re not saving the planet or anything, but we want to contribute in a positive way, in a way that makes a difference or makes somebody feel something.” ~ Chelsea Handler
- “I don’t like people who have babies and act like they did something that the rest of us can’t figure out. Anybody can have one, OK? I could have had three if I had gone through with any of my pregnancies.” ~ Chelsea Handler
- “While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach.” ~ Chelsea Handler
- “Hispanics still have the highest rate amongst teens with babies so at least the future housekeeping is secure.” ~ Chelsea Handler
