David McAlister Barry is an American author and columnist who wrote a nationally syndicated humor column for the Miami Herald from 1983 to 2005. He has also written numerous books of humor and parody, as well as comic novels. Barry’s honors include the Pulitzer Prize for Commentary (1988) and the Walter Cronkite Award for Excellence in Journalism (2005). These Dave Barry quotes will motivate you.
Best Dave Barry Quotes
- “Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.” ~ Dave Barry
- “Your hand and your mouth agreed many years ago that, as far as chocolate is concerned, there is no need to involve your brain.” ~ Dave Barry
- “It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.” ~ Dave Barry
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“Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.” ~ Dave Barry
- “A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” ~ Dave Barry
- “Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.” ~ Dave Barry
- “My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of M&M’s and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.” ~ Dave Barry
- “The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. They’re the kind of people who’d stop to help you change a flat, but would somehow manage to set your car on fire. I would be reluctant to entrust them with a Cuisinart, let alone the economy. The Republicans, on the other hand, would know how to fix your tire, but they wouldn’t bother to stop because they’d want to be on time for Ugly Pants Night at the country club” ~ Dave Barry
- “Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers.” ~ Dave Barry
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“No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.” ~ Dave Barry
- “Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.” ~ Dave Barry
- “You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.” ~ Dave Barry
- “A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.” ~ Dave Barry
- “As Americans we must always remember that we all have a common enemy, an enemy that is dangerous, powerful, and relentless. I refer, of course, to the federal government.” ~ Dave Barry
- “A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation’s state legislators.” ~ Dave Barry
- “If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base.” ~ Dave Barry
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“The objective is not so much to walk your dog, as it is to empty him.” ~ Dave Barry
- “A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.” ~ Dave Barry
- “Dogs would make totally incompetent criminals. If you could somehow get a group of dogs to understand the concept of the Kennedy assassination, they would all immediately confess to it. Whereas you’ll never see a cat display any kind of guilty behavior, despite the fact that several cats were seen in Dallas on the grassy knoll area, not that I wish to start rumors.” ~ Dave Barry
- “If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.'” ~ Dave Barry
- “If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.” ~ Dave Barry
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“I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.” ~ Dave Barry
- “When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.” ~ Dave Barry
- “I bought Windows 2.0, Windows 3.0, Windows 3.1415926, Windows 95, Windows 98, Windows ME, Windows RSVP, The Best of Windows, Windows Strikes Back, Windows Does Dallas, and Windows Let’s All Buy Bill Gates a House the Size of Vermont.” ~ Dave Barry
- “Scientists tell us that the fastest animal in the world, with a speed of 120 mph, is a cow dropped out of a helicopter.” ~ Dave Barry
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“There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.” ~ Dave Barry
- “If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you’d find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme song from the Beverly Hillbillies.” ~ Dave Barry
- “Unlike cats dogs never scratch you when you wash them. They just become very sad and try to figure out what they did wrong.” ~ Dave Barry
- “The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.” ~ Dave Barry
- “What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledgehammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad.” ~ Dave Barry
- “The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.” ~ Dave Barry
- “Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.” ~ Dave Barry
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“The best time to go to Disney World, if you want to avoid huge crowds, is 1962.” ~ Dave Barry
- “Each year, millions of skiers come to Colorado to experience its superb emergency medical facilities.” ~ Dave Barry
- “People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.” ~ Dave Barry
- “There are two kinds of people in this world, and I am one of them.” ~ Dave Barry
- “What women want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. What men want: Tickets to the World Series.” ~ Dave Barry
- “Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.” ~ Dave Barry
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“I argue very well. Just ask any of my remaining friends.” ~ Dave Barry
- “If it weren’t for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers.” ~ Dave Barr
- “A hundred years ago, it could take you the better part of a year to get from New York to California; whereas today, because of equipment problems at O’Hare, you can’t get there at all.” ~ Dave Barry
- “As sensitive and broad-minded humans, we must never allow ourselves to be in any way judgmental of the religious practices of other people, even when these people clearly are raving space loons.” ~ Dave Barry
- “Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves and the teacher says: Imagine what it does to your TEETH! So Coca-Cola was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw no need to improve.” ~ Dave Barry
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“You should not confuse your career with your life.” ~ Dave Barry
- “Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.” ~ Dave Barry
- “Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.” ~ Dave Barry quotes
- “The obvious and fair solution to the housework problem is to let men do the housework for, say, the next six thousand years, to even things up. The trouble is that men, over the years, have developed an inflated notion of the importance of everything they do, so that before long they would turn housework into just as much of a charade as business is now. They would hire secretaries and buy computers and fly off to housework conferences in Bermuda, but they’d never clean anything.” ~ Dave Barry
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“Meetings are places where dead ideas rise from their graves and eat the brains of the living.” ~ Dave Barry
- “A sense of humor is a measurement of the extent to which we realize that we are trapped in a world almost totally devoid of reason. Laughter is how we express the anxiety we feel at this knowledge.” ~ Dave Barry
- “You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.” ~ Dave Barry
- “There’s nothing wrong with enjoying looking at the surface of the ocean itself, except that when you finally see what goes on underwater,you realize that you’ve been missing the whole point of the ocean. Staying on the surface all the time is like going to the circus and staring at the outside of the tent.” ~ Dave Barry
- “I hate rap music, which to me sounds like a bunch of angry men shouting, possibly because the person who was supposed to provide them with a melody never showed up.” ~ Dave Barry
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“If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?” ~ Dave Barry
- “In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it “Christmas” and went to church; the Jews called it “Hanukka” and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say “Merry Christmas!” or “Happy Hanukka!” or (to the atheists) “Look out for the wall!”” ~ Dave Barry
- “You can say any fool thing to a dog and the dog will just give you this look that says, ‘My GOSH, you’re RIGHT! I NEVER would’ve thought of that!” ~ Dave Barry
- “I love the Olympics because they enable people from all over the world to come together and–regardless of their political or cultural differences–accuse each other of cheating.” ~ Dave Barry
- “Computers are getting smarter all the time. Scientists tell us that soon they will be able to talk to us. (And by ‘they’, I mean ‘computers’. I doubt scientists will ever be able to talk to us.)” ~ Dave Barry
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“Your friends love you anyway.” ~ Dave Barry
- “It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.” ~ Dave Barry
- “I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every seven years, and when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked to discover how much stronger the Earth’s gravitational pull has become since 1990.” ~ Dave Barry
- “I’ve gained a few pounds around the middle. The only lower-body garments I own that still fit me comfortably are towels.” ~ Dave Barry
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“Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.” ~ Dave Barry
- “Turbulence.” This is what pilots announce that you have encountered when your plane strikes an object in midair. You’ll be flying along, and there will be an enormous, shuddering WHUMP, and clearly, the plane has rammed into an airborne object at least the size of a water buffalo, and the pilot will say, “Folks, we’re encountering a little turbulence.” Meanwhile they are up there in the cockpit trying desperately to clean water-buffalo organs off the windshield.” ~ Dave Barry
- “A long memory is the most subversive idea in America. A tautology is a thing which is tautological. A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets people’s attention. If your kids look like you, it’s hereditory. If they look like the neighbor, it’s the environment. Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.” ~ Dave Barry
- “Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.” ~ Dave Barry
