Demetri Evan Martin is an American comedian, actor, director, cartoonist, and musician. He was a contributor on The Daily Show. In stand-up, he is known for his deadpan delivery, playing his guitar for jokes, and his satirical cartoons. He currently stars as Ice Bear in the Cartoon Network animated series We Bare Bears. These Demetri Martin quotes will motivate you.
Best Demetri Martin Quotes
- “I’m a bodybuilder, but I don’t use weights. I use snacks. It’s kind of a different building process.” ~ Demetri Martin
- “Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many.” ~ Demetri Martin
- “I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.” ~ Demetri Martin
- “I need to develop some patience – immediately.” ~ Demetri Martin
- “I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus.” ~ Demetri Martin
- “The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.” ~ Demetri Martin
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“There is probably more invisible tape out there than we realize.” ~ Demetri Martin
- “I wonder if it’s rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands.” ~ Demetri Martin
- “If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.” ~ Demetri Martin
- “Knights would have probably liked refrigerator magnets.” ~ Demetri Martin
- “I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, ‘I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.’ I said, ‘I am.'” ~ Demetri Martin
- “The definition of adventure depends upon how boring your life is.” ~ Demetri Martin
- “People only mention it’s a free country if they’re doing something shitty.” ~ Demetri Martin
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“‘Dammit I’m mad’ is ‘Dammit I’m mad’ spelled backwards.” ~ Demetri Martin
- “Sometimes if I really want to get someone’s attention, I’ll start a sentence with something like, “I’m not racist, but…” I say, “I’m not racist, but you look great today.” They say, “That wasn’t racist at all.” I said, “I know. I said I’m not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican.”” ~ Demetri Martin
- “It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.” ~ Demetri Martin
- “I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.” ~ Demetri Martin
- “When people show me pictures of their kids, it’s okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I’m weird. What kind of one-way street is that?” ~ Demetri Martin
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“A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.” ~ Demetri Martin
- “I’m so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That’s none of your business.” ~ Demetri Martin
- “Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I’m not doing that again until I’m a black belt. Because I can tell you there’s a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.” ~ Demetri Martin
- “If you really think about it, hitting the snooze button in the morning doesn’t even make sense. It’s like saying, ‘I hate getting up in the morning so I do it over… and over… and over again.'” ~ Demetri Martin
- “Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that’s actually called a Queen.” ~ Demetri Martin
- “I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.'” ~ Demetri Martin
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“If you drink enough beer, everything turns into a bed.” ~ Demetri Martin
- “A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.” ~ Demetri Martin
- “Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.” ~ Demetri Martin
- “One thing you never hear is “Man that guy is good at badminton”.” ~ Demetri Martin
- “I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman’s voice said, ‘What the hell are you doing with your life?'” ~ Demetri Martin
- “A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.” ~ Demetri Martin
- “When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads.” ~ Demetri Martin
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“100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.” ~ Demetri Martin
- “The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.” ~ Demetri Martin
- “Bowling would be more interesting if it were slightly uphill.” ~ Demetri Martin
- “If you stretched the average person’s intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.” ~ Demetri Martin
- “There’s a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.” ~ Demetri Martin
- “For some reason, cowboy sounds better than cowman.” ~ Demetri Martin
- “When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.” ~ Demetri Martin
- “I wonder how they deal with mice at Disney World.” ~ Demetri Martin
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“Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.” ~ Demetri Martin
- “Someday I will tell my grandchildren that I lived in the era when OK was abbreviated to K.” ~ Demetri Martin
- “The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.” ~ Demetri Martin
- “Clothing sizes are weird, they go: small, medium, large and then extra large, extra extra large, extra extra extra large. Something happened at large, they just gave up. They were like, ‘I’m not doing any more adjectives; you just keep putting extras on there.’ We could do better than that: small, medium, large, whoa, easy, slow down, stop it, interesting, American.” ~ Demetri Martin
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“Relationships, like eyebrows, are better when there is space between them.” ~ Demetri Martin
- “There is a small, but important, difference between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool.” ~ Demetri Martin
- “I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it… so I just added “ish” to every number.” ~ Demetri Martin
- “To remove all credibility from what you’re saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead.” ~ Demetri Martin
- “When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they’re about to be an asshole.” ~ Demetri Martin
- “It’s very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location.” ~ Demetri Martin
- “I saw a sign that said, ‘Watch for children.’ I was like, ‘That sounds like a fair trade – especially if they’re crappy kids.'” ~ Demetri Martin
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“Saying, ‘I’m sorry is the same as saying, ‘I apologize.’ Except at a funeral.” ~ Demetri Martin
- “If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I’d probably just start calling out letters.” ~ Demetri Martin
- “I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I’m not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.” ~ Demetri Martin
- “It would be nice if people said, God, bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.” ~ Demetri Martin
- “You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.” ~ Demetri Martin
- “When a Dalmatian sees a cow he must be like, ‘What the hell happened to him? I am high right now. That dalmatian is fat and smeary.’ When the cow sees the Dalmatian he must be like, ‘He looks amazing. I am so out of shape, this is ridiculous. My tits are on the ground here.” ~ Demetri Martin
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“They should call fishing what it really is… tricking and killing!” ~ Demetri Martin
- “If you have a lip ring try hanging some tiny keys from it. This will make you look even more interesting.” ~ Demetri Martin
- “Reality is a concept that depends largely upon where you point your face.” ~ Demetri Martin
- “Man versus woman equals fun. Man versus man equals gay. Woman versus woman equals awesome. Man versus pillow equals crazy. Pillow versus pillow equals crazy awesome – that’s a real pillow fight right there. You see two pillows fighting, you know something’s going down. They’re designed for relaxation. If they’re fighting, what hope do we have? One time I saw two geese fighting, and I was like, ‘This is a pillow fight ahead of time.” ~ Demetri Martin
- “The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.” ~ Demetri Martin
- “Yes” actually means “No” 100% of the time, when the question is “Can I give you some advice?” ~ Demetri Martin
- “Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries… They Die.” ~ Demetri Martin
- “My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I’m flattered.” ~ Demetri Martin
- “I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.” ~ Demetri Martin
