172 Epic Sarcastic Quotes on Life, Friends, Work, Enemies

These sarcastic quotes will make you laugh. These are hilarious, inspirational, sarcastic quotes that will make your day.

Best Sarcastic Quotes

1. “Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you they can’t laugh either.”
2. “Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.”
3. “If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.”
4. “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.”
5. “Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?”
6. “Money doesn’t make you happy. I have 50 million dollars now but I was just as happy when I only had 48 million.”
7. “If had a dollar for every smart thing you say. I’ll be poor.”
8. “I don’t believe in plastic surgery. But in your case, go ahead.”
9. “I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.”
10. “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.”
11. 
12. “Sarcasm – the ability to insult idiots without them realizing it.”
13. “Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything.”

14. “Yet despite the look on my face… you are still talking.”

15. “Find your patience before I lose mine.”
16. “Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.”
17. “Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.” – Ashleigh Brilliant
18. “Sarcasm: because arguing with stupid people just wouldn’t be as much fun.”
19. “Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face.”
20. “Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.”
21. “Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.”
22. “I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and don’t want to see your ugly mug every day.” ,Sarcastic Quotes about work
23. “Congratulations, If you press the elevator button three times it goes into hurry mode – really.”
24. “Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.”

25. “The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog.” – Mark Twain

26. “I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
27. “Sarcasm: Helping intelligent politely tolerate the obtuse for thousands of years.”
28. “Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege.”
29. “People say that laughter is the best medicine… your face must be curing the world.”
30. “If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.”
31. 
32. “My imaginary friend says that you need a therapist.”
33. “Let’s share… You’ll take the grenade, I’ll take the pin.”
34. “Fighting with me is like being in the Special Olympics. You may win, but in the end you’re still a retard.”

35. “Well, at least your mom thinks you’re pretty.”

36. “My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues.”
37. “Just because the voices only talk to me doesn’t mean you should get all jealous. You’re just a little too crazy for their taste.”
38. “Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.”
39. “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.”
40. “I clapped because it’s finished, not because I like it.”
41. “I’m not listening, but keep talking. I enjoy the way your voice makes my ears bleed.”
42. “I’m not sarcastic. I’m just intelligent beyond your understanding.”
43. “Sarcasm, because beating the crap out of people is illegal.”
44. “Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity.”

45. “I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?”

46. “That is the ugliest top I’ve ever seen, yet it compliments your face perfectly.”
47. “Life’s good, you should get one.” ,Sarcastic Quotes about life
48. “No, you don’t have to repeat yourself. I was ignoring you the first time.”
49. 
50. “Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit! Yet it remains the funniest!”
51. “I’m sorry while you were talking I was trying to figure where the hell you got the idea I cared.”
52. “Just keep talking, I yawn when I’m interested.”
53. “Well, my imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.”

54. “I’ve got a good heart but this mouth..”

55. “Cancel my subscription because I don’t need your issues.”
56. “Me pretending to listen should be enough for you.”
57. “If you’re waiting for me to give a shit, you better pack a lunch. It’s going to be while.”
58. “Ugliness can be fixed, stupidity is forever.”
59. “Zombies eat brains. You’re safe.”
60. “Are you always this retarded or are you making a special effort today?”
61. “You’d be in good shape… if you ran as much as your mouth.”
62. “If karma doesn’t hit you, I gladly will.”
63. “Keep rolling your eyes. Maybe you’ll find a brain back there.”
64. “Tact is for people who aren’t witty enough to use sarcasm.”
65. “You always do me a favor, when you shut up!”
66. “Tell me how I have upset you, because I want to know how to do it again.”
67. “I’m not crazy! The voices tell me I am entirely sane.”

68. “Sure I’ll help you out… the same way you came in.”

69. “Shut your mouth when you’re talking to me.”
70. 
71. “I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.”
72. “Think I am sarcastic? Watch me pretend to care!”
73. “My friends are so much cooler than yours. They’re invisible.” ,Sarcastic Quotes about friends
74. “If it looks like I give a damn, please tell me. I don’t want to give off the wrong impression.”

75. “You sound better with your mouth closed.”

76. “If ignorance is bliss. You must be the happiest person on this planet.”
77. “I’m smiling… that alone should scare you.”
78. “Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?”
79. “I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.”
80. “If you find me offensive. Then I suggest you quit finding me.”
81. “I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today.”
82. “If you wrote down every single thought you ever had you would get an award for the shortest story ever.”
83. “If I promise to miss you, will you go away?”
84. “I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter.”
85. “Thank you for leaving my side when I was alone. I realized I can do so much without you.”
86. “Follow your heart but don’t be stupid.”
87. “Be you not them.”
88. “Everyone has a bad day but not everyone has a bad life.
89. “Shut the F*** up and stop complaining.”
90. “No matter what happens you’re going to be okay in the end.”

91. “I’m not bad… I’m just mad.”

92. “All you need is LOL.”
93. 
94. “Don’t ever regret anything you do.”
95. “Don’t ever look back, the past is dead.”
96. “Live a life without drama.”
97. “Life’s too short to worry about what other people think.”

98. “Things will always turn out better.”

99. “F*** you & your standards.”
100. “Chasing the very wrong things people forgot that the only thing they really need is to be happy every single moment.”
101. “You can if you think you can.”
102. “Miracles always happen when you believe.”
103. “Never lose your dreams.”
104. “I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”
105. “Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.”
106. “Experience is the name so many people give to their mistakes.”
107. “Don’t take life so seriously, it isn’t permanent.”
     

     Some More Sarcastic Quotes

108. “Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.” – Ashleigh Brilliant
109. “It’s always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black.” – Paul Newman
110. “The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.” – George Bernard Shaw 
111. “People say that laughter is the best medicine… your face must be curing the world!”
112. “Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.”
113. “Always give 100%, except when giving blood.”
114. “Without geometry, life is pointless.”
115. “The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.”
116. “Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity.”
117. “Let’s share, You’ll take the grenade, I’ll take the pin.”
118. “The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.”
119. “Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege.”
120. “I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.” – Whitney Brown
121. 
122. “There are some people who come in your life pretending that they love you only because they need you.” – Uzair Lallmamod

123. “Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.”

124. “As the joker said, if you are good at something why do it for free.”
125. “I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.” – Stephen Bishop
126. “Silence is golden. duct tape is silver.”
127. “Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.” – Ambrose Bierce
128. “A man can be happy with any women, as long as he does not love her.” – Oscar Wilde ,Sarcastic quotes about love
129. “If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.”
130. “In the end, everything we do is just everything we’ve done.”
131. “I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
132. “There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.”
133. “History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.” – Abba Eban
134. “Save a tree, eat a beaver! Hurray for Earth Day!”
135. “Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.”
136. “Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.”
137. “If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?” – Charles Pierce
138. “Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.”

139. “Every calendar’s days are numbered.”

140. “I can resist everything except temptation.”
141. “Stupidity is not a crime, so you’re free to go.”
142. “A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative.”
143. “If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.”
144. “When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.”
145. “Don’t regret doing things, regret getting caught.”
146. “I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?”
147. “Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.”
148. “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.”
149. “That is the ugliest top I’ve ever seen, yet it compliments your face perfectly.”
150. “Whoever said nothing was impossible obviously never tried slamming a revolving door.”
151. “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.”
152. “If ignorance is bliss. You must be the happiest person on this planet.”
153. “I believe in luck: how else can you explain the success of those you don’t like?” – Jean Cocteau
154. “Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.”
155. “Never miss a good chance to shut up.”

156. “Never test the depth of the water with both feet.”

157. “Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.”
158. “If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.”
159. “I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in the face but with words.”
160. “You never learn anything by doing it right.”
161. “A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.”
162. “If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.”
163. “I don’t believe in plastic surgery, But in your case, Go ahead.”
164. “You go girl! And don’t come back.”
165. “A conclusion is a part where you got tired of thinking.”
166. “Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.”

167. “Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.”

168. “Some cause happiness wherever they go, some whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde
169. “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.” – Steven Wright
170. “When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark.”
171. “It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.”
172. “You look good when your eyes are closed, but you look the best when my eyes closed.”