These funny quotes will inspire you.
Below you will find a collection of motivating, happy, and encouraging funny quotes, funny sayings, and funny proverbs.
Best Funny Quotes
- “If a little is great, and a lot is better, then way too much is just about right!” ~ Mae West
- “The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.” ~ Vince Lombardi , Funny quotes about work
- “Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.” ~ Erica Jong
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“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” ~ Thomas A. Edison
- “He has all of the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” ~ Winston Churchill
- “I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.” ~ Elayne Boosler
- “A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.” ~ Emo Philips
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“Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.” ~ Oscar Wilde
- “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” ~ Oscar Wilde
- “If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.” ~ Doug Larson
- “‘I am’ is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that ‘I do’ is the longest sentence?” ~ George Carlin
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“People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” ~ Isaac Asimov
- “As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.” ~ Buddy Hackett
- “Tragedy is a close-up; comedy, a long shot.” ~ Buster Keaton
- “Try to learn something about everything and everything about something.” ~ Thomas Huxley
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“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.” ~ Shirley Temple
- “Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.” ~ Frank Sinatra
- “You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.'” ~ Tommy Cooper
- “Life is too short to miss out on the beautiful things like a double cheeseburger.” ~ Channing Tatum , Funny quotes about life
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“Don’t find fault, find a remedy.” ~ Henry Ford
- “A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.” ~ George Bernard Shaw
- “Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.” ~ Joey Adams
- “Never mistake motion for action.” ~ Ernest Hemingway
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“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” ~ Will Rogers
- “Weather forecast for tonight: dark.” ~ George Carlin
- “For every book you buy, you should buy the time to read it.” ~ Karl Lagerfeld
- “As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.” ~ John Glenn
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“Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.” ~ Voltaire
- “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” ~ Bob Hope
- “Being bored is an insult to oneself.” ~ Jules Renard
- “There’s no reason to be the richest man in the cemetery. You can’t do any business from there.” ~ Colonel Sanders
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“As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.” ~ Dick Cavett
- “When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.” ~ George Burns
- “Why do they call it “rush hour” when nothing moves?” ~ Robin Williams
- “By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” ~ Robert Frost
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“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.” ~ Albert Einstein
- “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” ~ Edmund Burke
- “Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.” ~ Groucho Marx
- “Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment” ~ Betty White
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“That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.” ~ George Carlin
- “A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.” ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor , Funny quotes about marriage
- “Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.” ~ Mel Brooks
- “A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.” ~ Denis Waitley
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“If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.” ~ Sam Levenson
- “Happiness is good health and a bad memory.” ~ Ingrid Bergman
- “I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
- “Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.” ~ Woody Allen
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“As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” ~ Norman Wisdom
- “Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.” ~ H. G. Wells
- “Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” ~ Albert Einstein
- “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.” ~ Mark Twain
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“It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.” ~ Mark Twain
- “Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.” ~ Carl Jung
- “The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” ~ Al McGuire , Funny quotes on life
- “Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.” ~ Timothy Leary
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“When your back is against the wall, there is only one thing to do, and that is turn around and fight.” ~ John Major
- “Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.” ~ Robert Orben
- “To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.” ~ Steven Wright
- “The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.” ~ Tom Clancy
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“The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts.” ~ Bertrand Russell
- “An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.” ~ Winston Churchill
- “I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.” ~ Jack Lemmon
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“If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.” ~ Derek Bok
- “Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.” ~ H. L. Mencken
- “Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions – it only guarantees equality of opportunity.” ~ Irving Kristol
