George Denis Patrick Carlin also was known as George Carlin (May 12, 1937 – June 22, 2008) was an American stand-up comedian, actor, author, and social critic. He was known for his comedy and reflections on politics, the English language, psychology, religion, and various taboo subjects. Widely regarded as one of the most important and influential American stand-up comics of all time, Carlin was dubbed by one newspaper to be “the dean of counterculture comedians”. Enjoy this collection of George Carlin quotes on politics, religion, education, marriage, love and about life.
Best George Carlin Quotes
- “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.” ― George Carlin
- “The planet is fine. The people are fucked.” ― George Carlin
- “Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.” ― George Carlin
- “Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.” ― George Carlin
- “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” ― George Carlin
- “People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.” ― George Carlin
- “If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?” ― George Carlin
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“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.” ― George Carlin
- “The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.” ― George Carlin
- “Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.” ― George Carlin
- “Meow” means “woof” in cat.” ― George Carlin
- “Religion is like a pair of shoes…..Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.” ― George Carlin, George Carlin quotes on religion
- “I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so fuckin’ heroic.” ― George Carlin
- “Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.” ― George Carlin
- “Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.” ― George Carlin
- “Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.” ― George Carlin
- “I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.” ― George Carlin
- “Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.” ― George Carlin
- “I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.” ― George Carlin
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“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.” ― George Carlin
- “If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.” ― George Carlin, George Carlin quotes on universe
- “Tell people there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.” ― George Carlin
- “I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: “Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.” ― George Carlin
- “Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.” ― George Carlin
- “I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.” ― George Carlin
- “How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelet?” ― George Carlin
- “Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?” ― George Carlin
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“Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.” ― George Carlin
- “In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.” ― George Carlin
- “Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.” ― George Carlin
- “People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.” ― George Carlin, George Carlin quotes about life
- “A good motto to live by: ‘Always try not to get killed.'” ― George Carlin
- “When you’re born into this world, you’re given a ticket to the freak show. If you’re born in America you get a front-row seat.” ― George Carlin
- “Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.” ― George Carlin
- “The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.” ― George Carlin
- “Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.” ― George Carlin
- “I think I am, therefore, I am… I think.” ― George Carlin
- “If your kid needs a role model and you ain’t it, you’re both fucked.” ― George Carlin
- “Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?” ― George Carlin
- “It’s important in life if you don’t give a shit. It can help you a lot.” ― George Carlin
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“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.” ― George Carlin
- “Don’t just teach your children to read… Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.” ― George Carlin, George Carlin quotes on education
- “Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” ― George Carlin
- “So, have a little fun. Soon enough you’ll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.” ― George Carlin
- “The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.” ― George Carlin
- “There’s a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.” ― George Carlin
- “Let a smile be your umbrella, and you’ll end up with a face full of rain.” ― George Carlin
- “A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.” ― George Carlin
- “I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.” ― George Carlin
- “There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.” ― George Carlin
