Henry “Henny” Youngman was an English-American comedian and musician famous for his mastery of the “one-liner”; his best-known one-liner being “Take my wife … please”. These Henny Youngman Quotes will motivate you.
Best Henny Youngman Quotes
- “Every time I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.” ~ Henny Youngman
- “I’m offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.” ~ Henny Youngman
- “A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here’s your husband! The man’s wife says, Where’s his wheelchair?” ~ Henny Youngman
- “I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.” ~ Henny Youngman
- “I said to my wife, ‘Where do you want to go for our anniversary?’ She said, ‘I want to go somewhere I’ve never been before.’ I said, ‘Try the kitchen.'” ~ Henny Youngman
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“While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.” ~ Henny Youngman
- “A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says “You’ve been brought here for drinking.” The drunk says “Okay, let’s get started.” ~ Henny Youngman
- “A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, Do what I do. I put my head on my wife’s bosom, and the headache goes away. The next day, the man says, Did you do what I told you to? Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!” ~ Henny Youngman
- “Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, “Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami.” She said, “We can’t do that!” I told her, “You did it last week!”” ~ Henny Youngman
- “Who says nothing is impossible? I’ve been doing nothing for years.” ~ Henny Youngman
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“It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.” ~ Henny Youngman
- “Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.” ~ Henny Youngman
- “Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.” ~ Henny Youngman
- “My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.” ~ Henny Youngman
- “Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you’re it.” ~ Henny Youngman
- “There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.” ~ Henny Youngman
- “In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, We want Youngman! We want Youngman! The coach says, Youngman – go see what they want!” ~ Henny Youngman quotes
- “A little Jewish Grandma is at the Florida coast with her little Jewish Grandson. The grandson is playing on the beach when a big wave comes and washes the kid out to sea. The lifeguards swim out, bring him back to shore, the paramedics work on him for a long time, pumping the water out, reviving him. They turn to the Jewish Grandma, and say, we saved your grandson. The little Jewish Grandma says, He had a hat!” ~ Henny Youngman
- “A guy says, I’m so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I’ll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You’re seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.” ~ Henny Youngman
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“A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, “You’re crazy” The man says, “I want a second opinion!” “Okay, you’re ugly too!”” ~ Henny Youngman
- “When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” ~ Henny Youngman
- “My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!” ~ Henny Youngman
- “When God sneezed, I didn’t know what to say.” ~ Henny Youngman
- “When I told my doctor I couldn’t afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.” ~ Henny Youngman
- “We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better, and she couldn’t have done worse.” ~ Henny Youngman
- “”Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?” The doctor says, “Limp!”” ~ Henny Youngman
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“Nurse: “Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office”. Doctor: “Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in.”” ~ Henny Youngman
- “I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, “There is water in the carburetor.” I said, “Where’s the car?” She said, “In the lake.”” ~ Henny Youngman
- “A man goes to a barbershop and asks, How many ahead of me? Five. The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, How many ahead of me? Four. The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, How many ahead of me? Six. The man leaves, and the barber says to another, Follow that man! The man comes back and says, He goes to your house!” ~ Henny Youngman
- “Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.” ~ Henny Youngman
- “Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did” ~ Henny Youngman
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“I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.” ~ Henny Youngman
- “My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.” ~ Henny Youngman
- “A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.” ~ Henny Youngman
- “I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” ~ Henny Youngman
- “My wife is a light eater. As soon as it’s light, she starts to eat.” ~ Henny Youngman
- “The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once… You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.” ~ Henny Youngman
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“Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.” ~ Henny Youngman
- “Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars’ worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.” ~ Henny Youngman
- “I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays.” ~ Henny Youngman
- “My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.” ~ Henny Youngman
- “I call my lawyer and say, ‘Can I ask you two questions?’ He says, ‘What’s the second question?'” ~ Henny Youngman
- “A doctor says to a man, “You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day.” Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, “How is your love life since you have been running?” “I don’t know, I’m 140 miles away!”” ~ Henny Youngman
- “My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.” ~ Henny Youngman
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“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.” ~ Henny Youngman
- “A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? “I was ironing, and the phone rang!” “What about the other ear?” “Had to call the doctor!”” ~ Henny Youngman
- “The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” ~ Henny Youngman
- “A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!” ~ Henny Youngman
- “If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.” ~ Henny Youngman
- “My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement.” ~ Henny Youngman
- “My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.” ~ Henny Youngman
- “My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.” ~ Henny Youngman
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“The usual way – a little wine, a little dinner.” ~ Henny Youngman
- “When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, “Give me a table near a waiter.”” ~ Henny Youngman
- “If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.” ~ Henny Youngman
- “A man calls a lawyer’s office. The phone is answered, Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz. The man says, Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. I’m sorry, he’s on vacation. Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. He’s on a big case, not available for a week. Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. He’s playing golf today. Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. Speaking.” ~ Henny Youngman
- “I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he’s out of.” ~ Henny Youngman
- “I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won’t let me plug it in.” ~ Henny Youngman
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“Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed – it was a Chinese restaurant!” ~ Henny Youngman
- “When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.” ~ Henny Youngman
- “You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.” ~ Henny Youngman
- “My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn’t lost weight, but can she climb a tree.” ~ Henny Youngman
- “I miss my wife’s cooking – as often as I can.” ~ Henny Youngman
- “Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house.” ~ Henny Youngman
- “All my wife does is shop – once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.” ~ Henny Youngman
