Jerome Allen Seinfeld is an American comedian, actor, writer, and producer. He is best known for playing a semi-fictionalized version of himself in the sitcom Seinfeld, which he created and wrote with Larry David. The show aired on NBC from 1989 until 1998, becoming one of the most acclaimed and popular American sitcoms of all time. These Jerry Seinfeld quotes will motivate you.
Best Jerry Seinfeld Quotes
- “Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
- “The human body is like a condominium. The thing that keeps you from really enjoying it is the maintenance.” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
- “Keep your head up in failure and your head down in success.” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
- “I didn’t know every day I would be discussing the tone of my voice with my wife. I thought it was a marriage. Apparently, it’s a musical.” ~ Jerry Seinfeld , Jerry Seinfeld quotes on marriage
- “If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they’re going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
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“People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
- “Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven’t been in a car since 1965.” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
- “If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
- “I know I’m not going to understand women. I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
- “Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night?” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
- “I was the best man at the wedding… If I’m the best man, why is she marrying him?” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
- “Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, “No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?” Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
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“Wise is what you want to be. Smart is easy compared to wise.” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
- “Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
- “If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
- “You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.'” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
- “I have a problem with the strip that runs along the bottom of the news programs. Don’t these idiots who run the news programs know we don’t want to read? That’s why we’re watching TV.” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
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“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
- “I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can’t smell it. Can’t eat it. Can’t taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, ‘Well, here it is. You can’t have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye.'” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
- “I was in front of an ambulance the other day, and I noticed that the word ambulance was spelled in reverse print on the hood of the ambulance. And I thought, Well, isn’t that clever. I look in the rear-view mirror; I can read the word ambulance behind me. Of course while you’re reading, you don’t see where you’re going, you crash. You need an ambulance. I think they’re trying to drum up some business on the way back from lunch.” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
- “You can measure distance by time. ‘How far away is it?’ ‘Oh about 20 minutes.’ But it doesn’t work the other way. ‘When do you get off work?’ ‘Around 3 miles.'” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
- “Let’s examine the dog mind: Every time you come home, he thinks it’s amazing. He can’t believe that you’ve accomplished this again. You walk in the door. The joy of it almost kills him. “He’s back again! It’s that guy! It’s that guy!”” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
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“To me, if life boils down to one thing, it’s movement. To live is to keep moving.” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
- “Responsible, who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it’s always, who’s responsible for this?” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
- “Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there’s no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
- “According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
- “Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
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“I love how you just make coffee and then somehow something gets done.” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
- “If someone’s lying, are their pants really on fire” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
- “Life is truly a ride. We’re all strapped in and no one can stop it. When the doctor slaps your behind, he’s ripping your ticket and away you go. As you make each passage from youth to adulthood to maturity, sometimes you put your arms up and scream, sometimes you just hang on to that bar in front of you. But the ride is the thing. I think the most you can hope for at the end of life is that your hair’s messed, you’re out of breath, and you didn’t throw up.” ~ Jerry Seinfeld , Jerry Seinfeld quotes on life
- “A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
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“On the side of box of my superman costume, it actually said – ‘Do not attempt to fly!'” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
- “Twitter is good. Why say a lot to a few people when you can say virtually nothing to everyone?” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
- “Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets.” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
- “Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
- “Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? “Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!”” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
- “Isn’t it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, “Oh, man, I can’t wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff.”” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
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“Make no mistake about why these babies are here – they are here to replace us.” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
- “The IRS! They’re like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
- “Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don’t stare at it, it’s too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
- “Kids don’t say, “Wait.” They say, “Wait up, hey wait up!” Because when you’re little, your life is up. The future is up. Everything you want is up. “Hold up. Shut up! Mum, I’ll clean up. Let me stay up!” Parents, of course, are just the opposite. Everything is down. “Just calm down. Slow down. Come down here! Sit down. Put… that… down.”” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
- “Women go after doctors like men go after models. They want someone with knowledge of the body. We just want the body.” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
- “I think the answer is we all need a little help, and the coffee’s a little help with everything — social, energy, don’t know what to do next, don’t know how to start my day, don’t know how to get through this afternoon, don’t know how to stay alert. We want to do a lot of stuff; we’re not in great shape. We didn’t get a good night’s sleep. We’re a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
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“There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
- “I have no plants in my house. They won’t live for me. Some of them don’t even wait to die, they commit suicide.” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
- “I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
- “The greatest Jewish tradition is to laugh. The cornerstone of Jewish survival has always been to find humor in life and in ourselves.” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
- “I like staying in hotels. I like their tiny soap. I like to pretend it’s regular-sized and my muscles are huge.” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
- “What causes homophobia? What is it that makes the heterosexual man worry about this? I think it’s because deep down all men know that we have weak sales resistance. We’re constantly buying shoes that hurt us, pants that don’t fit right. Men think, ‘Obviously I can be talked into anything. What if I accidentally wander into some sort of homosexual store thinking it’s a shoe store and the salesmen says, ‘Just hold this guy’s hand, walk around a little bit, see how it feels. No obligation, no pressure, just try it.'” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
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“Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
- “I’m in the unfortunate position of having to consider other people’s feelings” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
- “The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here.” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
- “What I don’t understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
- “Fear of success is one of the new fears I’ve heard about lately. And I think its definitely a sign that we’re running out of fears. A person suffering from fear of success is scraping the bottom of the fear barrel.” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
- “Surveys show that the #1 fear of Americans is public speaking. #2 is death. That means that at a funeral, the average American would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
- “It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
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“After you get a job and before you have to do it. Nothing beats that.” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
- “If professional wrestling did not exist, could you come up with this idea? Could you envision the popularity of huge men in tiny bathing suits, pretending to fight?” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
- “What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they’re trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
- “If I want a long, boring story with no point to it, I have my life.” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
- “I am so busy doing nothing… that the idea of doing anything – which as you know, always leads to something – cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
- “Introducing ‘Lite’: the new way to spell ‘Light’; but with twenty per cent fewer letters.” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
- “That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
- “I have a problem with that silver medal. It’s like, ‘Congratulation s, you almost won. Of all the losers, you’re the number one loser. No one lost ahead of you.'” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
- “Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic – you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.” ~ Jerry Seinfeld
