Joan Alexandra Molinsky, known professionally as Joan Rivers, was an American comedian, actress, writer, producer, and television host. She was noted for her often controversial comedic persona—heavily self-deprecating and sharply acerbic, especially towards celebrities and politicians. This Joan Rivers quotes on aging, love, success will motivate you.
Best Joan Rivers Quotes
- “I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. YOU get better.” ~ Joan Rivers
- “If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.” ~ Joan Rivers
- “I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.'” ~ Joan Rivers
- “Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.” ~ Joan Rivers
- “When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.” ~ Joan Rivers
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“I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.” ~ Joan Rivers
- “I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.” ~ Joan Rivers
- “In life, the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.” ~ Joan Rivers
- “I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.” ~ Joan Rivers
- “We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.” ~ Joan Rivers
- “Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.” ~ Joan Rivers Quotes
- “You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.” ~ Joan Rivers
- “People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
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“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.” ~ Joan Rivers
- “keep moving. It’s hard for old age to hit a moving target.” ~ Joan Rivers
- “Marriage isn’t a contest to see who is most often right. Marriage requires being what the Japanese call ‘the wise bamboo,’ which means you bend so you don’t break. Treat your spouse with the flexibility and respect you would give to a top client. Think how we treat clients; We smile, we are polite, we listen to their ideas. Never forget that your spouse is your most important client.” ~ Joan Rivers
- “Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.” ~ Joan Rivers
- “To the pessimist, the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.” ~ Joan Rivers
- “At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.” ~ Joan Rivers
- “Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it’s happening.” ~ Joan Rivers
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“Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.” ~ Joan Rivers
- “I’m going out with these old guys. One guy gave me a hickey and left his teeth in my neck. Another man, we were having a perfectly lovely dinner; he looked up and me and went: You’re not my wife! Another guy died during dinner. I had to go in his pocket to get the American Express card. Then you wonder: What would he tip? Another guy said: I want you to meet my family, and took me to the cemetery.” ~ Joan Rivers
- “I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, “Marry him, you’ll double your wardrobe.” ~ Joan Rivers
- “A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.” ~ Joan Rivers
- “Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.” ~ Joan Rivers
- “Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.” ~ Joan Rivers
- “A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.” ~ Joan Rivers
- “Comediennes are the lucky ones because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.” ~ Joan Rivers
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“I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.”
- “My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.” ~ Joan Rivers
- “I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night, my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.” ~ Joan Rivers
- “I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.” ~ Joan Rivers
- “Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.” ~ Joan Rivers
- “Moving on is a gift you give yourself.” ~ Joan Rivers
- “A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year – and has yet to receive a Mother’s Day card from one of them.” ~ Joan Rivers
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“My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.” ~ Joan Rivers
- “If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.” ~ Joan Rivers
- “I have a million-dollar figure … but it’s all loose change.” ~ Joan Rivers
- “If you can’t make fun of yourself, you don’t have any right to make fun of others” ~ Joan Rivers
- “I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.'” ~ Joan Rivers
- “With age comes wisdom. You don’t need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.” ~ Joan Rivers
- “Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.” ~ Joan Rivers
- “I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.” ~ Joan Rivers
- “One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.” ~ Joan Rivers
- “You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.” ~ Joan Rivers
