Phyllis Ada Diller was an American stand-up comedian, actress, author, musician, and artist, best known for her eccentric stage persona, self-deprecating humor, wild hair and clothes, and exaggerated, cackling laugh. These Phyllis Diller quotes will motivate you.
Best Phyllis Diller Quotes
- “You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.” ~ Phyllis Diller
- “I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.” ~ Phyllis Diller
- “If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.” ~ Phyllis Diller
- “Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?” ~ Phyllis Diller
- “The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.” ~ Phyllis Diller
- “If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'” ~ Phyllis Diller
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“The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.” ~ Phyllis Diller
- “This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.” ~ Phyllis Diller
- “The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.” ~ Phyllis Diller
- “You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.” ~ Phyllis Diller
- “A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.” ~ Phyllis Diller
- “I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?'” ~ Phyllis Diller
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“I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.” ~ Phyllis Diller
- “Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.” ~ Phyllis Diller
- “Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.” ~ Phyllis Diller
- “I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?” ~ Phyllis Diller
- “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” ~ Phyllis Diller
- “My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.” ~ Phyllis Diller
- “We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.” ~ Phyllis Diller
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“I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.” ~ Phyllis Diller
- “Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.” ~ Phyllis Diller
- “I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.” ~ Phyllis Diller
- “What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” ~ Phyllis Diller
- “Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.” ~ Phyllis Diller
- “You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.” ~ Phyllis Diller
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“My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.” ~ Phyllis Diller
- “I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.” ~ Phyllis Diller
- “Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” ~ Phyllis Diller
- “The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours. We were not created by a deity. We created the deity in OUR image. Life began on this planet when the first amoeba split. Mankind will still be seeking God, not accepting that God is a spirit; can’t see it, touch it, only feel it. It’s called LOVE.” ~ Phyllis Diller
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“My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.” ~ Phyllis Diller
- “I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.” ~ Phyllis Diller
- “It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder, and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.” ~ Phyllis Diller
- “I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.” ~ Phyllis Diller
- “A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.” ~ Phyllis Diller
- “Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.” ~ Phyllis Diller
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“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.” ~ Phyllis Diller
- “In most states, you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.” ~ Phyllis Diller
- “Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” ~ Phyllis Diller
- “When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.” ~ Phyllis Diller
- “… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.” ~ Phyllis Diller
- “I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.” ~ Phyllis Diller
- “Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.” ~ Phyllis Diller
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“I like to serve chocolate cake because it doesn’t show the dirt.” ~ Phyllis Diller
- “To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.” ~ Phyllis Diller
- “Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.” ~ Phyllis Diller
- “I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'” ~ Phyllis Diller
- “Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.” ~ Phyllis Diller
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“I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.” ~ Phyllis Diller
- “A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.” ~ Phyllis Diller
- “Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.” ~ Phyllis Diller Quotes
- “I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.” ~ Phyllis Diller
- “You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!” ~ Phyllis Diller
- “Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.” ~ Phyllis Diller
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“My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.” ~ Phyllis Diller
- “It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.” ~ Phyllis Diller
- “My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.” ~ Phyllis Diller
- “I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.” ~ Phyllis Diller
- “Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.” ~ Phyllis Diller
- “Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.” ~ Phyllis Diller
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“My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.” ~ Phyllis Diller
- “The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.” ~ Phyllis Diller
- “The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.” ~ Phyllis Diller
- “If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.” ~ Phyllis Diller
- “We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.” ~ Phyllis Diller
- “You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!” ~ Phyllis Diller
