Jack Roy popularly known by the stage name Rodney Dangerfield, was an American stand-up comedian, actor, producer, screenwriter, musician, and author. He was known for his self-deprecating one-liner humor, his catchphrase “I get no respect!” and his monologues on that theme. These Rodney Dangerfield quotes will motivate you.
Best Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
- “You know you’re ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
- “I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn’t going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
- “My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
- “My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
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“My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
- “I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
- “When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
- “Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, “Where’d you get the pig?” Guy says, “This is a duck.” Bartender says, “I was talking to the duck.”” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
- “I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
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“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
- “A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn’t eaten in four days. I told him, “Man, I wish I had your willpower.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
- “I asked my wife, ‘On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you
rate me as a lover?’ She said, ‘You know I’m no good
at fractions.'” ~ Rodney Dangerfield -
“The shape I’m in, I could donate my body to science fiction.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
- “Last week I told my psychiatrist, ‘I keep thinking about suicide’, and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
- “Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
- “I told my kids, “Someday, you’ll have kids of your own.” One of them said, “So will you.”” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
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“My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
- “My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
- “We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
- “It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield, Rodney Dangerfield quotes on no respect
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“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
- “When I was born … the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father … I’m very sorry. We did everything we could … but he pulled through.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
- “A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
- “Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, ‘Do you think we’ll ever find them?’ He answered, ‘I don’t know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
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“Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
- “I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, “Wait til it gets warmer.”” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
- “My wife isn’t very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, “Did you see the guy that did it?” She said, “No, but I got the license plate.”” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
- “I’m getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
- “My son’s an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
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“I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they’re the last to know.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
- “What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn’t help me at all.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
- “My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked, and now she’s afraid of the light.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
- “With my doctor, I don’t get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don’t need one.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
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“Don’t talk about yourself so much…we’ll do that when you leave.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
- “My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
- “Well with girls I don’t get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I’m not Louise.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
- “I can’t figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
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“I’ve never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
- “Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
- “I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
- “With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
- “Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield, Rodney Dangerfield quotes on birthday
- “I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
- “Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
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“What a childhood I had – I was ten years old when I found out Alpo was dog food.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
- “Better to keep quiet and let people think you’re an idiot than speak up and confirm it.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
- “We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
- “I figured out I’m bisexual. I have sex twice a year.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
- “One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her “you cooked it, you take it out”.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
- “I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
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“We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood, the rainbow was in black-and-white.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
- “I’ll tell ya, my wife and I, we don’t think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
- “Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
- “I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
- “I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
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“I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn’t see the mousetrap.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
- “It’s great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who’s bald.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
- “I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house…so he moved.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
- “I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
- “For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls-eye on the back.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
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“My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
- “My mother had morning sickness after I was born.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
- “I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
- “The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
- “A hooker once told me she had a headache.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
- “I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice. I don’t know if I’m coming or going.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
