Stephen Tyrone Colbert is an American comedian, writer, producer, political commentator, actor, and television host. He is best known for hosting the satirical Comedy Central program The Colbert Report from 2005 to 2014 and the CBS talk program The Late Show with Stephen Colbert beginning in September 2015. These Stephen Colbert quotes will motivate you.
Best Stephen Colbert Quotes
- “If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn’t help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we’ve got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don’t want to do it.” ~ Stephen Colbert
- “Contrary to what people may say, there’s no upper limit to stupidity.” ~ Stephen Colbert
- “If you love friends, you will serve your friends. If you love community, you will serve your community. If you love money, you will serve your money. And if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself. And you will have only yourself.” ~ Stephen Colbert
- “Global warming isn’t real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.” ~ Stephen Colbert
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“There’s an old saying about those who forget history. I don’t remember it, but it’s good.” ~ Stephen Colbert
- “If a poor family falls on hard times in the woods, and no one is around to care, did it really happen?” ~ Stephen Colbert
- “The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don’t think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald’s.” ~ Stephen Colbert
- “An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.” ~ Stephen Colbert
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“Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.” ~ Stephen Colbert
- “I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible — I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical.” ~ Stephen Colbert
- “Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don’t understand.” ~ Stephen Colbert
- “My grandfather did not travel across 4,000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants. He did it because he killed a man back in Ireland.” ~ Stephen Colbert
- “It used to be, everyone was entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts. But that’s not the case anymore. Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything.” ~ Stephen Colbert
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“I love the earth. If you ask me it’s the greatest planet in the world.” ~ Stephen Colbert
- “Don’t cry over spilled milk– get angry and punch a cow.” ~ Stephen Colbert
- “Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That’s the sky. If you’re still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.” ~ Stephen Colbert
- “It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias.” ~ Stephen Colbert
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“I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.” ~ Stephen Colbert
- “I’m not a fan of facts. You see, the facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what the facts are.” ~ Stephen Colbert
- “Sixty eight percent of Republicans don’t believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.” ~ Stephen Colbert
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“Who would have thought that a means of communication limited to 140 characters would ever create misunderstanding?” ~ Stephen Colbert
- “There’s nothing more I love than McDonald’s dollar menu. With just the change I find between my couch cushions, I can eat something with the nutritional value of a couch cushion.” ~ Stephen Colbert
- “Used books are the sluts of the literary world. Passed around from person to person, spreading their pages for anyone, getting cheaper and cheaper until eventually they end up in prison.” ~ Stephen Colbert
- “This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty – unless she’s on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.” ~ Stephen Colbert
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“Of course! Jeb Bush! America is hungry for another leader from that talented family!” ~ Stephen Colbert
- “Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.” ~ Stephen Colbert
- “‘Sympathy for the Devil’ is just another way of saying ‘Compassionate Conservative’.” ~ Stephen Colbert
- “Give a man a suicide bomb, he blows up once. Teach a man to suicide bomb, he also blows up once.” ~ Stephen Colbert
- “I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade… which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.” ~ Stephen Colbert
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“Now, I don’t see color. People tell me I’m white and I believe them because police officers call me ‘sir’.” ~ Stephen Colbert
- “Make no mistake – they’re coming for our guns. And we freedom-loving gun lovers are totally defenseless! Other than, you know, the guns.” ~ Stephen Colbert
- “Can accidentally eating halal food make you Muslim? Yes, the same way drinking a cosmo can make you gay.” ~ Stephen Colbert
- “Christianity is the best way to cure gayness — just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.” ~ Stephen Colbert
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“There hasn’t been a scandal this big at the C.I.A. since (CLASSIFIED) committed (CENSORED) to (REDACTED).” ~ Stephen Colbert
- “Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return.” ~ Stephen Colbert
- “Republicans and nerds have so much in common — they both live in fantasy worlds and have no idea how to relate to women.” ~ Stephen Colbert
- “God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he’s never on welfare in a mysterious way.” ~ Stephen Colbert
- “If Jesus doesn’t have a sense of humor, I am in huge trouble.” ~ Stephen Colbert
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“You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!” ~ Stephen Colbert
- “The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you. You know what I mean? I’ve always liked that phrase “He was visited by grief,” because that’s really what it is. Grief is its own thing. It’s not like it’s in me and I’m going to deal with it. It’s a thing, and you have to be okay with its presence. If you try to ignore it, it will be like a wolf at your door.” ~ Stephen Colbert
- “Hey yogurt, if you’re so cultured, how come I never see you at the opera?” ~ Stephen Colbert
- “Democrats lead in all the polls by at least ten points, except one.. Fox News. That is with a margin of error of plus or minus the facts.” ~ Stephen Colbert
- “After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered ‘obsessively Googling symptoms’ is a symptom of hypochondria.” ~ Stephen Colbert
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“The liberal Gluten-free agenda is turning our dogs lesbian.” ~ Stephen Colbert
- “Destroying a religious symbol and building a religious center are really the same thing if you don’t think about it.” ~ Stephen Colbert
- “I can’t be gay! I’m a happily married conservative, just like Ted Haggard and Larry Craig.” ~ Stephen Colbert
- “And my daughter said, ‘Why are you yelling at us?’ and I said, ‘I’m trying to discipline you!’ And then she looked up at me with her tear-stained eyes and said, ‘This is how you teach children, by making them cry.’ And it was such a clenching reminder – she won not only the argument, but she won life with that statement. I just burst out laughing, and I think they were so surprised that I burst out laughing, that they did too.” ~ Stephen Colbert
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“Apply Truth liberally to the inflamed area.” ~ Stephen Colbert
- “If the eyes are the window to the soul, then why does it hurt when I spray them with Windex?” ~ Stephen Colbert
- “If you’re doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide from the giant surveillance apparatus the government’s been hiding.” ~ Stephen Colbert
- “I’m not a fan of the facts. Facts change; my opinion never does.” ~ Stephen Colbert Quotes
- “Leaving religious texts open too interpretation is the downfall of religion itself. If it is truly the word of God then there is no room for interpretation; you either take all of it or none. There is no selective belief” ~ Stephen Colbert
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“Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.” ~ Stephen Colbert
- “They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am.” ~ Stephen Colbert
- “And that brings us to tonight’s word: Truthiness. Now I’m sure some of the word-police, the ‘wordanistas’ over at Websters, are gonna say, ‘Hey, that’s not a word!’ Well, anybody who knows me knows that I am no fan of dictionaries or reference books. They’re elitist. Constantly telling us what is or isn’t true, what did or didn’t happen.” ~ Stephen Colbert
- “Corporations have free speech, but they can’t speak like you and me. They don’t have mouths or hands.” ~ Stephen Colbert
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“Today, folks, should be all about love. Unless you’re old.” ~ Stephen Colbert
- “Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say no. But saying “yes” begins things. Saying “yes” is how things grow. Saying “yes” leads to knowledge. “Yes” is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say “yes’.” ~ Stephen Colbert
- “If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn’t have declared their independence from it.” ~ Stephen Colbert
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“Young girls are obsessed with having a thigh gap. I blame the impossible body standards set by Spongebob.” ~ Stephen Colbert
- “To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush…I feel like I’m dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You now what, I’m a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough…Somebody shoot me in the face.” ~ Stephen Colbert
- “I love the Internet, and the Internet loves me back. Why else would it offer me so much sex?” ~ Stephen Colbert
- “Take away the Big Bang and what has God done? Burned a bush and got a girl pregnant. Great, he’s a high school junior.” ~ Stephen Colbert
- “As we all know, reality has a liberal bias.” ~ Stephen Colbert
- “What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!” ~ Stephen Colbert
