Steven Alexander Wright is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, and film producer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical, and sometimes nonsensical jokes, paraprosdokians, nonsequiturs, anti-humor, and one-liners with contrived situations. This Steven Wright quotes will motivate you.
Best Steven Wright Quotes
- “The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?” ~ Steven Wright
- “The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese” ~ Steven Wright
- “How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?” ~ Steven Wright
- “If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?” ~ Steven Wright
- “Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.” ~ Steven Wright
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“Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.” ~ Steven Wright
- “always remember your unique, just like everyone else” ~ Steven Wright
- “Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.” ~ Steven Wright
- “If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?” ~ Steven Wright
- “I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.” ~ Steven Wright
- “When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.” ~ Steven Wright
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“Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?” ~ Steven Wright
- “Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.” ~ Steven Wright
- “If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?” ~ Steven Wright
- “Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?” ~ Steven Wright
- “If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.” ~ Steven Wright
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“I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.” ~ Steven Wright
- “If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?” ~ Steven Wright
- “Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?” ~ Steven Wright
- “Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.” ~ Steven Wright
- “I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.” ~ Steven Wright
- “If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?” ~ Steven Wright
- “I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.” ~ Steven Wright
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“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” ~ Steven Wright
- “The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.” ~ Steven Wright
- “There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.” ~ Steven Wright
- “Consciousness: That annoying time between naps” ~ Steven Wright
- “Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.” ~ Steven Wright
- “If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?” ~ Steven Wright
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“Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?” ~ Steven Wright
- “I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?” ~ Steven Wright
- “Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?” ~ Steven Wright
- “If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.” ~ Steven Wright
- “When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.” ~ Steven Wright
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“If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?” ~ Steven Wrigh
- “One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read” ~ Steven Wright quotes
- “When I was a little kid we had a sandbox. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.” ~ Steven Wright
- “Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.” ~ Steven Wright
- “I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.” ~ Steven Wright
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“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.” ~ Steven Wright
- “How do you get off a non-stop flight?” ~ Steven Wright
- “Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.” ~ Steven Wright
- “When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.” ~ Steven Wright
- “I saw a sign at a gas station. It said ‘help wanted’. There was another sign below it that said ‘self service’. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.” ~ Steven Wright
- “Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?” ~ Steven Wright
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“If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?” ~ Steven Wright
- “I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.” ~ Steven Wright
- “If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat” ~ Steven Wright
- “If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?” ~ Steven Wright
- “In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out'” ~ Steven Wright
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“If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?” ~ Steven Wright
- “I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I’m an idiot.” ~ Steven Wright
- “Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?” ~ Steven Wright
- “If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?” ~ Steven Wright
- “A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.” ~ Steven Wright
- “Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?” ~ Steven Wright
- “How come abbreviated is such a long word?” ~ Steven Wright
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“Half the people you know are below average.” ~ Steven Wright
- “You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.” ~ Steven Wright
- “I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.” ~ Steven Wright
- “I installed a skylight in my apartment… the people who live above me are furious!” ~ Steven Wright
- “Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?” ~ Steven Wright
- “If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?” ~ Steven Wright
- “Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have film.” ~ Steven Wright
