William Claude Dukenfield better known as W. C. Fields, was an American comedian, actor, juggler, and writer. Fields’ comic persona was a misanthropic and hard-drinking egotist, who remained a sympathetic character despite his supposed contempt for children and dogs. These W C Fields quotes will motivate you.
Best W C Fields Quotes
- “I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol, and wild women. The other half I wasted.” ~ W. C. Fields
- “You can fool some of the people some of the time — and that’s enough to make a decent living.” ~ W. C. Fields
- “I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.” ~ W. C. Fields
- “I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.” ~ W. C. Fields
- “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.” ~ W. C. Fields
- “I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.” ~ W. C. Fields
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“Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.” ~ W. C. Fields
- “Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.” ~ W. C. Fields
- “I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.” ~ W. C. Fields
- “Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.” ~ W. C. Fields
- “If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.” ~ W. C. Fields
- “Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.” ~ W. C. Fields
- “If at first, you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.” ~ W. C. Fields
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“Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.” ~ W. C. Fields
- “Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.” ~ W. C. Fields
- “There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.” ~ W C Fields Quotes
- “I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand, I don’t drink any less either.” ~ W. C. Fields
- “I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.” ~ W. C. Fields
- “Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.” ~ W. C. Fields
- “A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.” ~ W. C. Fields
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“Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.” ~ W. C. Fields
- “Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.” ~ W. C. Fields
- “Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.” ~ W. C. Fields
- “A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.” ~ W. C. Fields
- “Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.” ~ W. C. Fields
- “Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.” ~ W. C. Fields
- “Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.” ~ W. C. Fields
- “When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.” ~ W. C. Fields
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“I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?” ~ W. C. Fields
- “Prayers never bring anything… They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy – but to the enlightened, it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas” ~ W. C. Fields
- “A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.” ~ W. C. Fields
- “Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.” ~ W. C. Fields
- “I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.” ~ W. C. Fields
- “No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.” ~ W. C. Fields
- “The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.” ~ W. C. Fields
- “A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.” ~ W. C. Fields
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“When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.” ~ W. C. Fields
- “Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.” ~ W. C. Fields
- “Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.” ~ W. C. Fields
- “If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.” ~ W. C. Fields
- “First-prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks.” ~ W. C. Fields
- “This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.” ~ W. C. Fields
- “There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.” ~ W. C. Fields
- “I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.” ~ W. C. Fields
- “I exercise strong self-control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.” ~ W. C. Fields
- “The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.” ~ W. C. Fields
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“The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.” ~ W. C. Fields
- “Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle.” ~ W. C. Fields
- “Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.” ~ W. C. Fields
- “Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it… Get plenty of sleep.” ~ W C Fields Quotes
- “I like children. If they’re properly cooked.” ~ W. C. Fields
- “I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.” ~ W. C. Fields
- “Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn’t want to own one.” ~ W. C. Fields
- “Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.” ~ W. C. Fields
- “The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.” ~ W. C. Fields
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“I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.” ~ W. C. Fields
- “The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.” ~ W. C. Fields
- “I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine” ~ W. C. Fields
- “A merry Christmas to all my friends except two.” ~ W. C. Fields
- “I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.” ~ W. C. Fields
- “Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.” ~ W. C. Fields
- “I never eat before breakfast.” ~ W. C. Fields
- “I drink with impunity…or anyone else who invites me.” ~ W. C. Fields
- “I’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.).” ~ W. C. Fields
- “I drink therefore I am.” ~ W. C. Fields
